The Last Page

Entry 13 12:00am

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example: "The night is shattered

and the blue stars shiver in the distance."

The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.

I kissed her again and again under the endless sky!

She loved me, sometimes I loved her.

How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, even more immensely without her.

And the verse falls to the soul as dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.

The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone sings. Far away.

My soul is lost without her; unsatisfied with losing her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.

My heart searches for her, but she is not with me.

On the same night, whitening the same trees.

But we, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that is certain, Oh but how I loved her!

My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.

Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that is certain, but maybe I do love her.

Love is so short and forgetting is so long.

Because on nights like this, I held her in my arms,

my soul is lost without her; unsatisfied with losing her.

Though this be the last pain she makes me suffer,

these will be the last lines I will ever write for her...

-Ezra-

This concludes Roseheart Genesis

A Change of Heart

Entry 12 1:00am

Who was I?

I was the nice guy who was left stuck in between your toes like lint from the warm black socks you used to wear on your cold and lonely nights.

I was that one guy who still gave you a shoulder to cry on even when you only gave me a cold one back.

I was the nice guy who remembered your birthday on the night I spent alone with a gift ready at home waiting for an invitation to your party full of people who couldn't even remember your name.

I was that nice guy who tried to arrange the best valentines day I felt you deserved on the same day you made mine the worst I've ever known.

I was that nice guy who randomly sent you flowers on the night you were screwing someone else behind my back.

I was the nice guy who told you how beautiful you were without make up or your hair done while your insecurities were shoving me away into the tiny dark void you created in your mind thinking I was some kind of game.

Who was I? I was the nice guy who swore will never be a nice guy again

So then I became the dick who put lacitive in your drink on the night you told me you loved me.

I was the guy who had to look at your facebook just to wish you a happy birthday on the same night I threw up on your couch and left without saying goodbye.

I was the guy that you slept with the night before you woke up alone on your bed with a fake name and an impregnated belly to remember me by.

I was the one you sent a text to, never got a response back, and then told you I never got that text.

I was the guy who never brought any booze on every night you sent me a BYOB party invite.

I was the jerkoff you payed the dinner tab for when I said I forgot my wallet at home at the end of the meal when I was rolling twenties in my back pocket reserved for the whore who felt the same way I did. Heartless.

But Now I'm the asshole laying alone in my death bed without a person in sight staring at the heart rate monitor before it flatlines.

Sometime Around Midnight Again

Entry 11 11:59pm

Ezra sat on his bed staring into the perfect painted picture of empty cigarette boxes that laid across his bedroom floor. Frustrated and alone, he covered his face with his hands and let out a distorted scream of hurt that replaced the carbon dioxide that filled the air moments ago. "Why...why, why, WHY, WHY!!!!" were the only words he could say out loud. His mind was overflowing with thoughts of confusion, questions, and doubts. His thought patterns were creating mazes of possible solutions, but none that led him to a second of peace. He needed to find a way out, but his heart was as trapped as he was within the walls of his room. Ayla was the only person on his mind to comfort his screaming soul because he lost himself to an addiction of sex and irresponsibility to define his own independence. "What am I supposed to do? I gave my whole life for this! I stopped everything in my tracks just to build something new with her. Is this really the Karma I get for trying to be a good person?" Ezra couldn't do anything but argue with himself. Suddenly he heard a voice inside his mind. 'Do you really think you know what is best for you? Do you really think you understand the purpose of this mess you're in? Son, you have confused yourself with what you think is best for you and what was supposed to be best for you. This is not what was planned for you, however you chose what you felt you should have.' Ezra lowered his hands and stared into the air. Softly he whispered, "How was I supposed to know what is best for me? I didn't choose this life. IT chose ME!" The voice continued, 'You knew exactly who you chose and why. You need to stop lying to yourself for the sake of your own future. You're not convincing anybody, Son. Stop for a second and listen. And I promise you, you will hear what you should begin to do. You are forcing your way through life. Free yourself and let it all connect in it's own timing. Not your own. Plus, you're worth a fight.'

Ezra couldn't say a word. Regardless if this scenario was all too familiar to him, he couldn't seem to find a solution for the repetition of incidents he has been through. He laid across the bed with arms open as wide as his eyes. Blinking was not an action he needed to waste energy on. His only focus was to simply stop thinking and close his eyes. He knew he was going to see Ayla during the next night and finding the right words to say were more important than finding the cure to cancer. The clock turned midnight when he closed his eyes. The sweat began to dry on his palms and the storm of his tremble had come to a calm when the door began to knock. "It's me Ayla..." The door began to open...

Sometime Around Midnight

Entry 10 1:38pm

Ezra: "What do you mean 'I love you but you deserve better?' That doesn't even make sense Ayla! Do you have any idea about what you're even saying to me right now?"

Ayla: "It's just that I think there's better than me and you should be happy..."

Ezra: "So if I wanted..'better'...don't you think that I would've gone after someone..'better'..by now? It's been 3 years, Ayla. I'm pretty sure I would of dropped you if you weren't making the audition that I'm apparently putting you through."

Ayla: "Ezra...You just don't understand what I'm trying to say! You see, I know what..."

Ezra: "I DON'T UNDERSTAND!??? Oh please! I understand exactly what I'm hearing. Maybe you're trying to tell me something else. You want me to read in between the lines? Ok, how about this! You're just too afraid to keep going because you think that I might leave you and get bored with you. So you think that by letting me go in a 'nice' way, I will completely understand, save you from possibly getting your heart broken, and then call it a day. Is that it?"

Ayla: "...No, It's just.."

Ezra: "No no no! You know what!? That is FUCKED up!! So to save yourself from a broken heart, you'll cut mine in half, make me feel like I'm not worth an ounce of attempt, tell me I deserve better, and go off on your merry way while I stand from the sidelines and watch you actually "try" with another person sometime later? This is what I heard. This is what I understand from what you said. If there is something else, just tell me. Be honest. If you think I suck as a partner, well tell me! But I rather you tell me that, than some kind of 'you deserve better' crap."

Ayla: "..."

Ezra: "I'll wait for you to say something..."

Ayla: "What do you see in me?"

Ezra: "...Are you really asking me this? After three years...You don't believe anything I've told you. Do you!?. Anything at all???"

Ayla: "I'm sorry. I do believe the things you say but I seem to have trouble believing it in myself. I'm not asking you to understand me, but I knew that you wouldn't understand anyways so instead I decided to tell you in the way that might make better sense."

Ezra: "Why couldn't you just say so? You mean more to me than my own..."

Ayla: "Don't....just don't. Look...it's almost midnight...I got to go. I'll talk to you later..."

(Exit Ayla)

Ezra: "You're right...I don't understand. Maybe I've failed to tell you how I really feel...Maybe I just shouldn't bother anymore. Why make you a priority when you only make me an option? I guess it really is over...It really is..."

William and Terra

Entry 09 Time...???

"I'm afraid of it." said William. "I'm so God damn afraid of it!" He paced back and forth thinking of some sort of answer. His forehead wrinkled in between his eyes as tension began to grow higher and higher. "I'm not used to this. Something so good...yet I'm afraid!? I've NEVER had this issue before and now faced by the flirtatiously poking opportunity, I can't even move! What kind of category under men do I fall under? Wimp? Yellow-footer? Ohhhhh....what do I do? What do I do!?" The early morning hours passed by more quickly and decided when compared to Williams struggle for clues. His feet developed a routine dance pattern under a trance of emotion. Beautiful long strides of indecisive footing accompanied by a gloriously spinning mind. 'How beautiful!' would be the cry of a bipolar stadium filled with hormones of uncontrolled urges screaming "Encore! Encore!" Williams energy began to run dry like the idea of a good woman diminishing from his list of passions. The music finally stopped and his dance had come to a halt. He leaned his back against the wall by the lamp. He fixed his eyes on it, finding warmth and embrace from something so inanimate. His long drawn out sigh revealed more than just a puff of hot breath. His memories ran through his mind reminding him of all the good and bad times he has had. "...but what does this even matter??? It was all the same bull anyways. Everyone is just playing a show and WHY SHOULDN'T I!? I think it's my turn for the star role pal!!" But after a few more memory skits, one face popped up as a climax. Terra. "No...no I won't put on a show. But what if it's not enough? What if...no...It won't. It's not about chance. I'll just have to make this the best thing that has ever happened. I won't fail." His eyes softened immediately at the thought of her. His fists finally opened up after 3 hours of clenching. His veins on his neck succeeded and his stance was held strong by a sudden string of confidence. Her smile was bigger than his heart alone, and was enough to make him feel again. and so he whispered, "Terra...who are you to make my heart beat again..."

Unlike William, Terra had a slightly different struggle. "I can't do this. If I get any closer to him, I might lose the good I got now." She knew of the possibilities before her. She has been offered a chance to choose her fate, but tied was a sacrifice of a personal determination. "Why oh WHY do the things I get close to, ALWAYS fly farther away!!?? I can't afford to lose the good this has become! I can't and I won't! But...what if this time is different? I can see it when he looks at me. I feel him through my eyes. What do you think Maryl?" Terra was the type of person that saw things from two perspectives. She always needed the insight of her closest friend. In this case, although a little insane, Maryl was all the perspective she needed to understand what she might be dealing with. Maryl held up a shot glass filled with whiskey, "Cheers, Terra! To all the horrible men that lie through their teeth, show no mercy, fake more relationships than we do orgasms and all the ones who just want one thing in life. And by golly, I'll give it to them! Ha!" They clinked glasses and gulped..."Ahhhh...You see Terra, you need to just forget about that! Enjoy him but don't claim him. As far as we all know, he is probably thinking the same. They always do." Terra simply put her head down to avoid eye contact from anyone and anything as she lost herself in thought. Her head still down, she responded with a soft un-hopeful voice, "You're saying he's putting on a show?" Maryl laughed, "Hahaha, of course he is!!! Come on Terra, what do you think this is?? Marriage camp? Nobody looks for a wife nowadays. That's back in the 1700s babe." Terra knew Maryl had made a point. But the only thing Terra could think about was, 'what if I lose out on the best thing that could've possibly happened?' She looked back up to Maryl and said, "Ya...I guess you're right..." and at that point Terra realized she had just lied the biggest lie since the first time the words 'I love you' came out of her mouth. In balance, she whispered a truth she knew would bring her a smile, "William..."

"Never leave the one you love for happiness because in the end, you wont be happy without the one you love" - Anonymous

Disney Pictures Presents...

Entry 08 1:10pm


She's held captive. Hands tied behind her back with an invisible rope of disaster. Feet locked by an emotional brace of fear stopping her from running. She dangles high above the floor as she is hung by the dragons, demons, and villains that claim her will power and decisions to find freedom through emotion, insecurities, and manipulation. Everyone that surrounds her knows her distress yet feeds her mind with false ideas of love in forcing her to believe freedom is found in desolation. Deep inside the moss infested dungeon her outcry is as silent as the sounds of growing leaves found outside our selfish bound world we call Earth. But I heard her cry. I saw the tears and sobs for a savior in my dreams. I felt the pain and torture before I awoke. My past can be marked by the same story again and again. Save the girl in distress. However, I don't keep the damsel. She finds safety in the arms of the beholder...not the warrior.

I'm attracted to the idea of saving the one that is bound by the villain. Every woman seems to desire the romance of a Disney story. And I've realized I'm lost inside the desire to be the prince that saves the princess from the dragon. In today's world, the dragons and villains are emotional ties, cancerous insecurities with a side order of control. Apparently I run into these situations and seek the reward of triumph. However, these battles are not mine to face. I see these problems as dragons to slay, but I'm stuck without the reward my Disney picture ending has led me to believe I would have. Each time the feeling is like knives thrusting from the inside of my stomach to the out. But now I'm stuck with one of the biggest dragons I've ever faced.

She spins, she pulls, she screams, and she shimmies herself through the ropes in hope she can find some sort of relief. Failure is the only reward reaped throughout this entire fight. Screaming is growing useless and her tears begin to dry on her cheeks as time counts down the seconds until she dies of starvation. Regrets overflow her mind wishing she should have stayed in the arms of safety. Suddenly, the doors fling open. a bright light illuminates the dark edges of death surrounding her beauty and grace. A man standing between the doors with a sword in hand and a dragon slayed behind him. His clothes were ripped and his arms were bloody from the fierce battle fought moments ago. "Are you okay, my Lady?" He reaches high and cuts her ropes. Arms and feet free and a smile as wide as the gratefulness she has within. Such a vibrant smile. The warrior escorts her out safely as she witnesses the rows of villains that lay on the floor lifeless and destroyed once and for all! She thanks him with a kiss and a hug that lasted for years. He felt her heart beat against his in sync with the love they had for one another. She held him in tranquility, she kissed him in love, she bid him farewell...and he never saw her again.

Disney pictures presents....."Love Sucks"

Woman in the Black Dress

Entry 07 12:59pm



As she stood there in the hallway, my hands began to tremble in light desperation. Hopes, dreams, wishes, and thoughts overfilled my mind like an overflowing cereal bowl. I hate the mess it leaves. 'What if this is it?' were my thoughts exactly. A single moment of sight was all that was needed to lower the walls that built a defense to save me from the destruction that love-failed games tend to extract. I don't have anything left to give after the first aftermath, but something inside me cleverly built up a manufactured ounce of care.

I took the first few steps towards her to muster a 'Hello, how are you?' but the Adams apple stuck in my esophagus turned into a crimson apple to be pierced by an arrow. That's when my throat choked up. Fighting every ounce of struggle with myself became a war I had to win within the next few seconds. I think I broke a world record. She looked up at me and said, "Hey! There you are!" I smiled. Not a word back. What can I even say that won't jeopardize the peace I've fought so hard to attain in the past few months. "Hey..." and that was it.

We left to find a place to nestle ourselves between a wooden table that would separate the two worlds colliding. She wore a black dress that would scream a sound of disaster. I couldn't hear it since I was too busy being lost by the sweet and flattering words that would come out of her mouth. Her masked lips would mimic the feeling of tranquility only to find solace within the sound of her voice. Her manufactured smile, delicately covered by a poison of misconception. But her eyes would shine such a bright light that blinded me from the war that would soon end. Casualty count...1.

Weeks have gone by. The costume of perfection has engulfed the sound of alarms ringing throughout my body like sound proof walls. This poison has transformed my nerve cells into robotic circuitry, programmed to do just one thing...love. A belief so far fetched in my normal understanding, but somehow I've come to the point of re-acquainting myself with this eerie passion. Her touch as fake as a car salesman convinced my feeble mind I was everything this world needed; only to find out I was only a tool. That's when my eyes opened.

I saw her there. She wore a black dress with eyes that tell white lies. I saw a bloody dagger in her left hand and a withered black heart in the right. Her hair as nappy as spider webs...God I hate spider webs. She looked up at me and said "Hello." My stomach turned. I stared at her and decided to turn around and walk away. I know I don't have much; and I know that It may not suffice to the fulfillment of others. But this tiny piece of heart that keeps me going with every ounce of strength and hope is what tells me I have only 1 chance left. When it's time I'll give everything that's left; because it means absolutely everything to me.