Metacognition

Entry 02 9:46pm


The rain is starting to hit really hard. It has gradually been building up momentum since it started about 5 minutes ago after the first loud thunder that startled me from my after-work nap. I have never seen something hit so hard to the ground since 2006 when I heard the words, "you're suspended from church..." and, "You're a worthless excuse of a man!" But I can't help but think that if I never heard these words, would I have ever bothered to grow in the areas I chose after those words pierced my soul. Actually, it still sets the boundaries to the kind of person I am and still becoming. I am not, and will never be, FAKE. And I am becoming a better version of me every morning that I wake up. These are my values. This creates who I am.

The rain is starting to die out now. I'm sitting on my window sill staring at the gray invading sky. The blue has been completely swallowed by the clouds and you can hear crackles of the tiny drops smacking against wood and solid concrete beginning to fade like the end of your favorite song. It's only been about 15 minutes and the storm was the hardest I've seen, yet the shortest I've experienced here. I can't help but relive my past in my thoughts while I've been here on "standby". I've had so many of these quick storms, yet it hit so hard that it's going to take three or four times as long just to dry the water that was regurgitated by the gloomy sky. My life is still drying. And unfortunately I didn't make enough drains so I think I'm still overflowing with this mess. A lot of my valuables floated away along with it like my Integrity.

I think it's good enough outside to go out for my nightly run but this time it won't be under the stars. I started to change into my running clothes and I could tell I was eager to try my new running shoes but as I slipped into them, I slipped into another gray sky memory. Time stopped and I remembered when I put on my old running shoes while I stared at my ex-fiance playing with the kitties. I was stuck in a black and white memory and I somehow could not return back to my present day memory. I was looking at my overweight self and her. I overheard my black and white self think, "How did this loser get to be with a girl like that?" Then suddenly my memory became a replica of the movie "Click". Except for the lack of convenience to control my destination. It fast forward to the day I rushed her to the hospital in the middle of the night. I was in the back seat watching myself race through the streets of Lancaster over 100 mph. "COME ON!! GET THE HELL OUTTA MY WAY!!" was all I kept yelling at the speed abiding citizens of Antelope Valley. Fast forward again back to my office room at my house on Racquet Ln. I saw myself leaning against the wall as she began to lean towards me to be held. I saw her plant herself on my chest with my arms still on my sides. I saw my own face with no emotion. I was simply dead. Yet she was engaged in a war inside of herself. I could see the bloodshed coming from her heart. I could hear the screams and yet I still saw myself unaffected. Her tears began to trickle down her cheek and that's when my memory-self reacted. I saw my self cry without a cry. Deep inside I was violently trying to express what I felt, yet my body disobeyed my heart. I skipped to another chapter, and suddenly I was driving on the rain on the 14 freeway. On the phone I said, "I love you. I missed you so much! I can't wait to see you! I'm so sorry! I will never fail you!" And then I paused for a moment and said, "...of course...I'll never give up on you..." Again the thunder struck and I was relieved to see I'm back home. But apparently I'm outside now ready for my run. Hmm....I wish I can rewind to see how I got here...

T he gray became a very dark gray sky. I could tell the rain was not over. But I decided to run anyways. I started to make my way through the neighborhood when I saw a bright flash followed by a thunderous blast shake through my arm hairs. I've never felt nervous about thunder until this night. I was outside running while electricity split through the skies. It sure did get my adrenaline going since I never seemed to be short of breath like I usually am after a few strides. It's completely black now. I've been running for a good 20 minutes under the lightning, risking my life to drop a few pounds. Before I blinked again an extremely bright flash covered my eyes almost blinding me when time stopped again. I wasn't running around my neighborhood anymore. I was running through the halls of the old Highlands church with a crap load of doors like some freaky twilight movie. No not that stupid teeny bopper vampire trash. I stopped and opened a door and I saw myself sobbing my life away while people surrounded me staring. That's when Chris took the initiative to give me a man hug. This was the first time I broke out of my first shell. I closed the door smiling and opened the next one. Although this door was different from the first door because this one was covered with broken crosses. I dared to open it when I saw myself on the alter praying for kids to change. My eyes were black. I couldn't look any longer so I closed the door. I opened the next door that had a tux and besides that, a white dress. I took a peek and saw myself kneeling in a room filled with rose bouquets and rose pedals all over the floor. I held a white rose with a ring on top of it. She held her mouth with her hands as if to hold back the two life changing words. But with a tear she said, "I do." The door closed by itself on this one. I guess I was enjoying watching that one a bit too much.

I decided to skip the rest. I think I've had enough of this dream. I wanted to go back to running under the flashing electric bolts of death again but I was once again stuck. I reached the end of the hall with one last door at the end. This door had a valentines day card with a pedal-less rose held on the door by a knife that had the words, "God made me do it" engraved through the middle. The thorns were the brightest and most noticing aspect of this so called "Flower". My hands trembled as I opened this door. A gentle light glared off my eyes. It was a full moon and all I can hear was my breathing in sync with my heart beat. And I saw lightning strike through the full moon and turned black. At that moment I reached my arm out as if I saw my life fade away. I started running quickly when I realized I was sprinting my way back home in present time. I looked up and noticed between an opening in the clouds was a bright full moon fading slowly into the thick black gas formations. The rain started again since I felt the drizzle mixed with my sweat. This was the last stretch before I made it home and I was hoping the rain wouldn't come down yet. But of course with my luck, before I could even finish this thought, the rain began to fall. It wasn't long until the sweat and rain dripping from my hair was indistinct.

I am very aware that I'm growing. I am very aware that I'm alive. I've been thinking of my thinking a little too much lately, but my thinking has been becoming a more interesting thought. But now my only thought is the fear of getting pneumonia.