A Simple Transformation

Entry 04 9:32am


I feel like I have everything. Time and time again these miracles appear and occur more than I have ever had in the past 23 years. But for some strange reason, something felt so incomplete. Out of nowhere came a wind that pierced through my stomach like some sort of creepy possession. Lately, every time I felt this feeling, it was followed by an out of the ordinary event. Most of the time it was bad or somebody connected to me was dealing with some sort of turmoil; And it has never failed to pin point its accuracy. The problem is that I never seem to know who or what until a day or two later. Dealing with this anticipation tends to haunt me over the hours as the discomfort builds inside of me but I've been impregnated with this fear that all my blessings will soon come to a sea of destruction but that's not really what I'm worried about.

I know most of the time it's nothing major. But this morning I couldn't help but let this feeling grasp my attention. The feeling came from my stomach and now it's moved its way to my heart. Has someone just broke up with me because it sure feels like I just got spit on again. Maybe this feeling is loneliness eating up the dried left over flesh left inside the void that once held a beating heart. Perhaps I'm acting a little "emo" here, but then I could just be acting out in confusion. Maybe I just have a hard time dealing with emotions still.

Thinking back about 5 years ago, expressing my emotions was probably the hardest thing to do. I was literally a walking statue. "Josh, can't you ever just express yourself? Why don't you get mad? Why don't you cry? Why are you the way you are? Has something happened to you in the past that makes you so closed?" I couldn't answer these questions when it was asked and at the time it may have seemed as if I was ignoring them. Yet, those questions lingered in my mind for quite some time. 'Why can't I?' I thought. It didn't seem hard but the idea that troubled me the most was the simple thought of, 'Why couldn't I express myself?' My Mother always told me I never cried as a baby. Every time something happened to me in relation to an accident, I would turn red and make a face as If I was powering up to throw a fire ball at someone. Apparently I was born with a giant bubble of pride but for some reason it became an uncontrolled problem. I've cried in front of only a few people in my life. And only 2 of them I believed was worth it.

My mind wonders a lot. Did I waste a lot of time or possibilities by holding back from expressing myself? What could have I possibly wasted? But then this answer came before my eyes. The universe wastes nothing, it simply transforms into something else. I don't mind what I was. And I certainly don't mind being who I am because of it. I'm not sad that I feel like my heart is empty or made by thorns. I was never wasted. I've simply transformed. And I like it.