The Last Page

Entry 13 12:00am

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example: "The night is shattered

and the blue stars shiver in the distance."

The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.

I kissed her again and again under the endless sky!

She loved me, sometimes I loved her.

How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, even more immensely without her.

And the verse falls to the soul as dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.

The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone sings. Far away.

My soul is lost without her; unsatisfied with losing her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.

My heart searches for her, but she is not with me.

On the same night, whitening the same trees.

But we, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that is certain, Oh but how I loved her!

My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.

Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that is certain, but maybe I do love her.

Love is so short and forgetting is so long.

Because on nights like this, I held her in my arms,

my soul is lost without her; unsatisfied with losing her.

Though this be the last pain she makes me suffer,

these will be the last lines I will ever write for her...

-Ezra-

This concludes Roseheart Genesis

A Change of Heart

Entry 12 1:00am

Who was I?

I was the nice guy who was left stuck in between your toes like lint from the warm black socks you used to wear on your cold and lonely nights.

I was that one guy who still gave you a shoulder to cry on even when you only gave me a cold one back.

I was the nice guy who remembered your birthday on the night I spent alone with a gift ready at home waiting for an invitation to your party full of people who couldn't even remember your name.

I was that nice guy who tried to arrange the best valentines day I felt you deserved on the same day you made mine the worst I've ever known.

I was that nice guy who randomly sent you flowers on the night you were screwing someone else behind my back.

I was the nice guy who told you how beautiful you were without make up or your hair done while your insecurities were shoving me away into the tiny dark void you created in your mind thinking I was some kind of game.

Who was I? I was the nice guy who swore will never be a nice guy again

So then I became the dick who put lacitive in your drink on the night you told me you loved me.

I was the guy who had to look at your facebook just to wish you a happy birthday on the same night I threw up on your couch and left without saying goodbye.

I was the guy that you slept with the night before you woke up alone on your bed with a fake name and an impregnated belly to remember me by.

I was the one you sent a text to, never got a response back, and then told you I never got that text.

I was the guy who never brought any booze on every night you sent me a BYOB party invite.

I was the jerkoff you payed the dinner tab for when I said I forgot my wallet at home at the end of the meal when I was rolling twenties in my back pocket reserved for the whore who felt the same way I did. Heartless.

But Now I'm the asshole laying alone in my death bed without a person in sight staring at the heart rate monitor before it flatlines.

Sometime Around Midnight Again

Entry 11 11:59pm

Ezra sat on his bed staring into the perfect painted picture of empty cigarette boxes that laid across his bedroom floor. Frustrated and alone, he covered his face with his hands and let out a distorted scream of hurt that replaced the carbon dioxide that filled the air moments ago. "Why...why, why, WHY, WHY!!!!" were the only words he could say out loud. His mind was overflowing with thoughts of confusion, questions, and doubts. His thought patterns were creating mazes of possible solutions, but none that led him to a second of peace. He needed to find a way out, but his heart was as trapped as he was within the walls of his room. Ayla was the only person on his mind to comfort his screaming soul because he lost himself to an addiction of sex and irresponsibility to define his own independence. "What am I supposed to do? I gave my whole life for this! I stopped everything in my tracks just to build something new with her. Is this really the Karma I get for trying to be a good person?" Ezra couldn't do anything but argue with himself. Suddenly he heard a voice inside his mind. 'Do you really think you know what is best for you? Do you really think you understand the purpose of this mess you're in? Son, you have confused yourself with what you think is best for you and what was supposed to be best for you. This is not what was planned for you, however you chose what you felt you should have.' Ezra lowered his hands and stared into the air. Softly he whispered, "How was I supposed to know what is best for me? I didn't choose this life. IT chose ME!" The voice continued, 'You knew exactly who you chose and why. You need to stop lying to yourself for the sake of your own future. You're not convincing anybody, Son. Stop for a second and listen. And I promise you, you will hear what you should begin to do. You are forcing your way through life. Free yourself and let it all connect in it's own timing. Not your own. Plus, you're worth a fight.'

Ezra couldn't say a word. Regardless if this scenario was all too familiar to him, he couldn't seem to find a solution for the repetition of incidents he has been through. He laid across the bed with arms open as wide as his eyes. Blinking was not an action he needed to waste energy on. His only focus was to simply stop thinking and close his eyes. He knew he was going to see Ayla during the next night and finding the right words to say were more important than finding the cure to cancer. The clock turned midnight when he closed his eyes. The sweat began to dry on his palms and the storm of his tremble had come to a calm when the door began to knock. "It's me Ayla..." The door began to open...

Sometime Around Midnight

Entry 10 1:38pm

Ezra: "What do you mean 'I love you but you deserve better?' That doesn't even make sense Ayla! Do you have any idea about what you're even saying to me right now?"

Ayla: "It's just that I think there's better than me and you should be happy..."

Ezra: "So if I wanted..'better'...don't you think that I would've gone after someone..'better'..by now? It's been 3 years, Ayla. I'm pretty sure I would of dropped you if you weren't making the audition that I'm apparently putting you through."

Ayla: "Ezra...You just don't understand what I'm trying to say! You see, I know what..."

Ezra: "I DON'T UNDERSTAND!??? Oh please! I understand exactly what I'm hearing. Maybe you're trying to tell me something else. You want me to read in between the lines? Ok, how about this! You're just too afraid to keep going because you think that I might leave you and get bored with you. So you think that by letting me go in a 'nice' way, I will completely understand, save you from possibly getting your heart broken, and then call it a day. Is that it?"

Ayla: "...No, It's just.."

Ezra: "No no no! You know what!? That is FUCKED up!! So to save yourself from a broken heart, you'll cut mine in half, make me feel like I'm not worth an ounce of attempt, tell me I deserve better, and go off on your merry way while I stand from the sidelines and watch you actually "try" with another person sometime later? This is what I heard. This is what I understand from what you said. If there is something else, just tell me. Be honest. If you think I suck as a partner, well tell me! But I rather you tell me that, than some kind of 'you deserve better' crap."

Ayla: "..."

Ezra: "I'll wait for you to say something..."

Ayla: "What do you see in me?"

Ezra: "...Are you really asking me this? After three years...You don't believe anything I've told you. Do you!?. Anything at all???"

Ayla: "I'm sorry. I do believe the things you say but I seem to have trouble believing it in myself. I'm not asking you to understand me, but I knew that you wouldn't understand anyways so instead I decided to tell you in the way that might make better sense."

Ezra: "Why couldn't you just say so? You mean more to me than my own..."

Ayla: "Don't....just don't. Look...it's almost midnight...I got to go. I'll talk to you later..."

(Exit Ayla)

Ezra: "You're right...I don't understand. Maybe I've failed to tell you how I really feel...Maybe I just shouldn't bother anymore. Why make you a priority when you only make me an option? I guess it really is over...It really is..."

William and Terra

Entry 09 Time...???

"I'm afraid of it." said William. "I'm so God damn afraid of it!" He paced back and forth thinking of some sort of answer. His forehead wrinkled in between his eyes as tension began to grow higher and higher. "I'm not used to this. Something so good...yet I'm afraid!? I've NEVER had this issue before and now faced by the flirtatiously poking opportunity, I can't even move! What kind of category under men do I fall under? Wimp? Yellow-footer? Ohhhhh....what do I do? What do I do!?" The early morning hours passed by more quickly and decided when compared to Williams struggle for clues. His feet developed a routine dance pattern under a trance of emotion. Beautiful long strides of indecisive footing accompanied by a gloriously spinning mind. 'How beautiful!' would be the cry of a bipolar stadium filled with hormones of uncontrolled urges screaming "Encore! Encore!" Williams energy began to run dry like the idea of a good woman diminishing from his list of passions. The music finally stopped and his dance had come to a halt. He leaned his back against the wall by the lamp. He fixed his eyes on it, finding warmth and embrace from something so inanimate. His long drawn out sigh revealed more than just a puff of hot breath. His memories ran through his mind reminding him of all the good and bad times he has had. "...but what does this even matter??? It was all the same bull anyways. Everyone is just playing a show and WHY SHOULDN'T I!? I think it's my turn for the star role pal!!" But after a few more memory skits, one face popped up as a climax. Terra. "No...no I won't put on a show. But what if it's not enough? What if...no...It won't. It's not about chance. I'll just have to make this the best thing that has ever happened. I won't fail." His eyes softened immediately at the thought of her. His fists finally opened up after 3 hours of clenching. His veins on his neck succeeded and his stance was held strong by a sudden string of confidence. Her smile was bigger than his heart alone, and was enough to make him feel again. and so he whispered, "Terra...who are you to make my heart beat again..."

Unlike William, Terra had a slightly different struggle. "I can't do this. If I get any closer to him, I might lose the good I got now." She knew of the possibilities before her. She has been offered a chance to choose her fate, but tied was a sacrifice of a personal determination. "Why oh WHY do the things I get close to, ALWAYS fly farther away!!?? I can't afford to lose the good this has become! I can't and I won't! But...what if this time is different? I can see it when he looks at me. I feel him through my eyes. What do you think Maryl?" Terra was the type of person that saw things from two perspectives. She always needed the insight of her closest friend. In this case, although a little insane, Maryl was all the perspective she needed to understand what she might be dealing with. Maryl held up a shot glass filled with whiskey, "Cheers, Terra! To all the horrible men that lie through their teeth, show no mercy, fake more relationships than we do orgasms and all the ones who just want one thing in life. And by golly, I'll give it to them! Ha!" They clinked glasses and gulped..."Ahhhh...You see Terra, you need to just forget about that! Enjoy him but don't claim him. As far as we all know, he is probably thinking the same. They always do." Terra simply put her head down to avoid eye contact from anyone and anything as she lost herself in thought. Her head still down, she responded with a soft un-hopeful voice, "You're saying he's putting on a show?" Maryl laughed, "Hahaha, of course he is!!! Come on Terra, what do you think this is?? Marriage camp? Nobody looks for a wife nowadays. That's back in the 1700s babe." Terra knew Maryl had made a point. But the only thing Terra could think about was, 'what if I lose out on the best thing that could've possibly happened?' She looked back up to Maryl and said, "Ya...I guess you're right..." and at that point Terra realized she had just lied the biggest lie since the first time the words 'I love you' came out of her mouth. In balance, she whispered a truth she knew would bring her a smile, "William..."

"Never leave the one you love for happiness because in the end, you wont be happy without the one you love" - Anonymous

Disney Pictures Presents...

Entry 08 1:10pm


She's held captive. Hands tied behind her back with an invisible rope of disaster. Feet locked by an emotional brace of fear stopping her from running. She dangles high above the floor as she is hung by the dragons, demons, and villains that claim her will power and decisions to find freedom through emotion, insecurities, and manipulation. Everyone that surrounds her knows her distress yet feeds her mind with false ideas of love in forcing her to believe freedom is found in desolation. Deep inside the moss infested dungeon her outcry is as silent as the sounds of growing leaves found outside our selfish bound world we call Earth. But I heard her cry. I saw the tears and sobs for a savior in my dreams. I felt the pain and torture before I awoke. My past can be marked by the same story again and again. Save the girl in distress. However, I don't keep the damsel. She finds safety in the arms of the beholder...not the warrior.

I'm attracted to the idea of saving the one that is bound by the villain. Every woman seems to desire the romance of a Disney story. And I've realized I'm lost inside the desire to be the prince that saves the princess from the dragon. In today's world, the dragons and villains are emotional ties, cancerous insecurities with a side order of control. Apparently I run into these situations and seek the reward of triumph. However, these battles are not mine to face. I see these problems as dragons to slay, but I'm stuck without the reward my Disney picture ending has led me to believe I would have. Each time the feeling is like knives thrusting from the inside of my stomach to the out. But now I'm stuck with one of the biggest dragons I've ever faced.

She spins, she pulls, she screams, and she shimmies herself through the ropes in hope she can find some sort of relief. Failure is the only reward reaped throughout this entire fight. Screaming is growing useless and her tears begin to dry on her cheeks as time counts down the seconds until she dies of starvation. Regrets overflow her mind wishing she should have stayed in the arms of safety. Suddenly, the doors fling open. a bright light illuminates the dark edges of death surrounding her beauty and grace. A man standing between the doors with a sword in hand and a dragon slayed behind him. His clothes were ripped and his arms were bloody from the fierce battle fought moments ago. "Are you okay, my Lady?" He reaches high and cuts her ropes. Arms and feet free and a smile as wide as the gratefulness she has within. Such a vibrant smile. The warrior escorts her out safely as she witnesses the rows of villains that lay on the floor lifeless and destroyed once and for all! She thanks him with a kiss and a hug that lasted for years. He felt her heart beat against his in sync with the love they had for one another. She held him in tranquility, she kissed him in love, she bid him farewell...and he never saw her again.

Disney pictures presents....."Love Sucks"

Woman in the Black Dress

Entry 07 12:59pm



As she stood there in the hallway, my hands began to tremble in light desperation. Hopes, dreams, wishes, and thoughts overfilled my mind like an overflowing cereal bowl. I hate the mess it leaves. 'What if this is it?' were my thoughts exactly. A single moment of sight was all that was needed to lower the walls that built a defense to save me from the destruction that love-failed games tend to extract. I don't have anything left to give after the first aftermath, but something inside me cleverly built up a manufactured ounce of care.

I took the first few steps towards her to muster a 'Hello, how are you?' but the Adams apple stuck in my esophagus turned into a crimson apple to be pierced by an arrow. That's when my throat choked up. Fighting every ounce of struggle with myself became a war I had to win within the next few seconds. I think I broke a world record. She looked up at me and said, "Hey! There you are!" I smiled. Not a word back. What can I even say that won't jeopardize the peace I've fought so hard to attain in the past few months. "Hey..." and that was it.

We left to find a place to nestle ourselves between a wooden table that would separate the two worlds colliding. She wore a black dress that would scream a sound of disaster. I couldn't hear it since I was too busy being lost by the sweet and flattering words that would come out of her mouth. Her masked lips would mimic the feeling of tranquility only to find solace within the sound of her voice. Her manufactured smile, delicately covered by a poison of misconception. But her eyes would shine such a bright light that blinded me from the war that would soon end. Casualty count...1.

Weeks have gone by. The costume of perfection has engulfed the sound of alarms ringing throughout my body like sound proof walls. This poison has transformed my nerve cells into robotic circuitry, programmed to do just one thing...love. A belief so far fetched in my normal understanding, but somehow I've come to the point of re-acquainting myself with this eerie passion. Her touch as fake as a car salesman convinced my feeble mind I was everything this world needed; only to find out I was only a tool. That's when my eyes opened.

I saw her there. She wore a black dress with eyes that tell white lies. I saw a bloody dagger in her left hand and a withered black heart in the right. Her hair as nappy as spider webs...God I hate spider webs. She looked up at me and said "Hello." My stomach turned. I stared at her and decided to turn around and walk away. I know I don't have much; and I know that It may not suffice to the fulfillment of others. But this tiny piece of heart that keeps me going with every ounce of strength and hope is what tells me I have only 1 chance left. When it's time I'll give everything that's left; because it means absolutely everything to me.

It's not You, it's Me

Entry 06 4:14pm


Ezra: "Hey Ayla..."
Ayla: "...ya? Something wrong?"
Ezra: "...no...I just...well...Why does it feel like sometimes I don't know you..."
Ayla: "...huh?..."
Ezra: "Well...It's like I don't know what goes on in your life..."
Ayla: "........."
Ezra: "Are you mad?"
Ayla: "...not really...I guess I could be more open to you...but what made you think about this?"
Ezra: "...I don't know...Don't take it the wrong way but I found myself thinking about you and for
some strange reason I was bothered with the fact that I had no idea about what it is that you
actually do."
Ayla: "...I'm sorry Ezra but what else do you want from me!!??"
Ezra: "Jeez, I'm not asking for a damn miracle from you or anything. You don't have to come at me like that!"
Ayla: "Well how am I supposed to feel about this!? Because right now I feel like a let down, ONCE AGAIN!"
Ezra: "Oh my God, can you please stop it!! Every single time I ask you about YOU, you get like this! Do you see my point? Why are you becoming so defensive for something that.."
Ayla: "I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!! I'LL DO WHATEVER THE HELL I FEEL
LIKE DOING!"
Ezra: "....Seriously?....like that?...."
Ayla: "....Hmph..."
Ezra: "..........."
Ayla: "..........."
Ezra: "...I'm sorry it's just that I don't even know the person I'm in love with..."
Ayla: "You're in......wait, what did you just say?"
Ezra: "I love you"
Ayla: "...I....uh...."
Ezra: "Look, lets just leave this alone right now. I got to go."
Exit Ezra
Ayla: "I'm sorry Ezra...I'm scared to fall in love. But I think it's too late. Which is why I don't open up to you..."

World of Trees

Entry 05 1:59pm


It's been over 2 months that I've felt like I've settled at this new place I call home. Yet I can't help but feel like some sort of foreigner from another country. Every morning I've stood outside staring at this world of trees in this state of surrealism wondering who I am here. 'I'm really in Georgia...' were my thoughts. I can't seem to grasp the idea yet. It's like standing inside of a glass bubble trying to touch the outside world but something invisible stops me from that everlasting connection. A better example would be remembering the first day of school not knowing what to expect from the environment or the people for that matter. The difference is that you're sitting in a seat that does not quite exist yet. The teacher does a roll call alphabetically but skips your name. I don't feel like I'm misplaced or unwanted. But for some reason I feel invisible. It's not that I haven't met anyone but then again I haven't met someone interesting yet. It's a kind of place where you live, you live, and you keep living. There's not much more to it. That's probably why I feel this life here is set on the easy difficulty settings. I'm used to the 'normal' mode but here 'normal' is considered 'ludicrous' mode. Boredom isn't exactly my issue either. Do you see my dilemma now?

These thoughts have overwhelmed my minds capacity. And today I have this strange feeling in my stomach again and I feel like something is going to happen. The last time I felt like that, nothing ended up happening. Unless of course my feelings were somehow connected to something or someone in California which I am completely unaware of. Now that I think about it, this loss of connectivity to my "now" could be severed because I haven't quite let go of my direct connection with my prior life. My brain constantly goes into 'detecting network settings' mode every morning and it can't seem to pick up any 'wi-fi' networks around my area. Disconnecting my prior network might help but the problem is finding out how. This world of trees is a place just waiting to be explored but I can't seem to look past a single leaf without thinking what is happening on the other side of the world. 'Home sick perhaps?' I thought. '...nah!' That couldn't be it. There is nothing I miss there besides my best friends. But that was expected. This feeling is frustrating me. Is it some sort of anxiety attack? Mix feeling nervous with a side order of confusion. Ya...not the best combo on the menu.

I love this world of trees. It is everything I've ever needed and more. But maybe these trees are blocking my sight from the sky. No it can't be it. I don't think I'm making any sense in this little bundle of thoughts so I'll stop writing for now. I feel like I'm standing to my back on one of these trees with a crimson apple on my head but the arrow shot in my throat instead.

A Simple Transformation

Entry 04 9:32am


I feel like I have everything. Time and time again these miracles appear and occur more than I have ever had in the past 23 years. But for some strange reason, something felt so incomplete. Out of nowhere came a wind that pierced through my stomach like some sort of creepy possession. Lately, every time I felt this feeling, it was followed by an out of the ordinary event. Most of the time it was bad or somebody connected to me was dealing with some sort of turmoil; And it has never failed to pin point its accuracy. The problem is that I never seem to know who or what until a day or two later. Dealing with this anticipation tends to haunt me over the hours as the discomfort builds inside of me but I've been impregnated with this fear that all my blessings will soon come to a sea of destruction but that's not really what I'm worried about.

I know most of the time it's nothing major. But this morning I couldn't help but let this feeling grasp my attention. The feeling came from my stomach and now it's moved its way to my heart. Has someone just broke up with me because it sure feels like I just got spit on again. Maybe this feeling is loneliness eating up the dried left over flesh left inside the void that once held a beating heart. Perhaps I'm acting a little "emo" here, but then I could just be acting out in confusion. Maybe I just have a hard time dealing with emotions still.

Thinking back about 5 years ago, expressing my emotions was probably the hardest thing to do. I was literally a walking statue. "Josh, can't you ever just express yourself? Why don't you get mad? Why don't you cry? Why are you the way you are? Has something happened to you in the past that makes you so closed?" I couldn't answer these questions when it was asked and at the time it may have seemed as if I was ignoring them. Yet, those questions lingered in my mind for quite some time. 'Why can't I?' I thought. It didn't seem hard but the idea that troubled me the most was the simple thought of, 'Why couldn't I express myself?' My Mother always told me I never cried as a baby. Every time something happened to me in relation to an accident, I would turn red and make a face as If I was powering up to throw a fire ball at someone. Apparently I was born with a giant bubble of pride but for some reason it became an uncontrolled problem. I've cried in front of only a few people in my life. And only 2 of them I believed was worth it.

My mind wonders a lot. Did I waste a lot of time or possibilities by holding back from expressing myself? What could have I possibly wasted? But then this answer came before my eyes. The universe wastes nothing, it simply transforms into something else. I don't mind what I was. And I certainly don't mind being who I am because of it. I'm not sad that I feel like my heart is empty or made by thorns. I was never wasted. I've simply transformed. And I like it.

Story Behind the Story

Entry 03 2:00pm


- May 2008 -
"Hi, you've reached Gordon, President of Assurance Systems, Inc. Please leave a message and I will return your call at my earliest convenience. Thank you!" - Beeeep

Just one month later after a meeting about marketing and introducing their product to the Florida market, Ivana, a South Florida marketing representative for Assurance Systems, attempted to call Gordon to advise him about how these marketing attempts are not going so smooth. Day after day she would walk from agency to agency setting up presentations and also the occasional door slam. Most of the agencies located in southern Florida were Spanish speaking communities, which was a main reason this area had been targeted. Ivana gracefully conversed with all the Hispanic agencies selling 30 day trials with complete domination but still found herself unable to create a positive conversion rate. After working so hard day in and day out, Ivana had become troubled as to why the success rate has been so low. Gung-ho clients with their 30 day trials became nothing but a ghost with communications cut like an airline tragedy. No matter how hard she tried to win these clients, she could not help but sense something was missing. So she packs her things to head to corporate located in Norcross, Georgia.

With broken English, Ivana told Gordon, "Mr. Gordon, my clients say they no speak English too good. When they need help, no one there to help them. We need espeak espanish more!" Despite the broken English, Gordon understood exactly what the problem was however he still had a puzzled look on his face. And after a few moments of silence and a confused look on Ivana's face, Gordon's eyes lit up. With a finger pointed up, "I got it!! We'll hire a Spanish rep to work from here at corporate!!" Ivana slapped her hand on her forehead while exclaiming in a disappointed tone, "Mr. Gordon! Thats what I try esplaining!" then Gordon said with a calm and sure look on his face, "I know Ivana, I know. I'll get you a rep as soon as possible okay?" Ivana nodded. And after a 2 hour flight for a 1 hour meeting, she then started to collect her belongings to head back home once again. During the flight, Ivana had nothing but plans, strategies, and goals, but despite the productive meeting, a slight discomfort with her senses dis-focused her thoughts on success. Still, she could not figure out what was missing.

Ivana received a call a few months after the meeting with Gordon but unfortunately she was busy presenting the insurance rating software to a new client of hers. "Hi Ivana! It's me, Gordon! Call me back ASAP! I got some GREAT NEWS! Buh Bye!" Quickly after hearing the exciting voicemail, Ivana called Gordon to hear about the new Spanish speaking rep they were hiring. She was so excited that she doubled her rounds during the next few weeks all over town. It was not long after till the company was receiving call after call for Spanish help and follow up calls. Excitement was in the air and at the time it seemed like nothing could go wrong! Finally, all the hard work would reap its rewards and a possible promotion is what Ivana had in mind. One day she decided to go check up on a couple of sold clients to make sure things are still in tip top shape. "Hi everyone!" Ivana came into the store with arms open wide as big as her smile with teeth as bright as her highlights. She stood there as they looked at her in silence. A sweat dropped from her forehead as if she has been in the exact position with her arms up for 13 hours. She could feel something was definitely not right. The manager stepped out and with a dark and "grudgey" tone of voice, "Is this what you call Spanish Service? To be treated like animals, trash, and money signs? And you dare to come back with that stupid smirk on that face talking to us like friends!? I would like to cancel my service immediately!" Ivana stood there completely lost for words. Her stomach twisted like a serious game of twister after having a few rounds of tequila and vodka mixed together and while we're at it, throw in an ounce of wine to kick the party. She put her arms away and walked right back out without a word. 'What in the world could've happened?' she thought. She decided to revisit a few more and to her surprise, she received the same response.

"Mr. Gordon! This no good! Who did you hire to service bad to customers!? All my clients no happy, Mr. Gordon!" Ivana kept trying to explain but she started to stutter and forget some English words due to the events that has rendered her so upset. "Now, Ivana," Gordon interrupted, "we are doing the best we can here! We might have to pull away from Florida. It doesn't seem like we are ready to take this competition on at the moment. We have a lot of things we need fix'in." "Okay Mr. Gordon. It is better this way. Let me know when you are ready. Then call me." Ivana said almost in tears to see all her work, shot down to the ground. The Spanish rep was let go since there was no longer a need for one and the service wasn't exactly to par either. Just a few short weeks after, Gordon mentioned the software was finally ready. He called Ivana to talk about the new plans and ideas to taking over the whole entire state of Florida. But Ivana quickly responded, "Mr. Gordon. Find good espanish rep to help me. A good one! I will not market for you until you find one." Gordon knew she was right. A conviction completely overtook his conscious. "Okay Ivana. We will talk in the future." and their conversation had ended.

6 months have gone by. Ivana looked at her gold rolex watch with a calender built in. "May 12th, 2009" She wore her top business apparel as she prepared to make her first rounds of marketing presentations after receiving a phone call from Gordon. This call was a bit different. "Hi Ivana??" Gordon mustered. "Yes Mr. Gordon?" Ivana had no idea what the random call was about. "Ivana, we need your help. I have someone here and we want to test him out. We want to find out if he really does speak Spanish or not." Ivana heard laughter in the background. 'Could this be a joke?' she thought. "Um..Ok Mr. Gordon." Then Gordon replied, "Ok great! When you're ready, say something!" Ivana paused for a moment. "...eh...Holaaaaa?" A mysterious male voice responded, "Si? Hola! Como estas!??" Ivana and the mysterious person began to converse about normal day to day things while Gordon stood there completely oblivious to the fact that they were speaking about laundry and white people. Gordon interrupted, "Okay soooo...does he speak good Spanish!?" Ivana excited as ever said, "YES! Sounds GOOD!" "Gordon smiled wide and said, "Perfect! Thanks Ivana! Bye!"

Gordon sat in a conference room with the Vice President together. "So what do you think? Should we hire this guy? I mean he was a little bit over dressed. He might almost be a little over qualified with what he's done. What do you think Roger?" Roger replied, "Well he seems like a good kid. He did insurance for the last year so thats perfect since he knows about raters. He also has alot of phone and sales work. He can collaborate with Ivana to make it happen." They both paused for a minute and looked at each other knowing what the answer was already. "Lets hire him." then Gordon looked at him and replied convinced, "Okay then! By the way, what was his name again?" Roger laughed, "His name is Josh Gomez."

Metacognition

Entry 02 9:46pm


The rain is starting to hit really hard. It has gradually been building up momentum since it started about 5 minutes ago after the first loud thunder that startled me from my after-work nap. I have never seen something hit so hard to the ground since 2006 when I heard the words, "you're suspended from church..." and, "You're a worthless excuse of a man!" But I can't help but think that if I never heard these words, would I have ever bothered to grow in the areas I chose after those words pierced my soul. Actually, it still sets the boundaries to the kind of person I am and still becoming. I am not, and will never be, FAKE. And I am becoming a better version of me every morning that I wake up. These are my values. This creates who I am.

The rain is starting to die out now. I'm sitting on my window sill staring at the gray invading sky. The blue has been completely swallowed by the clouds and you can hear crackles of the tiny drops smacking against wood and solid concrete beginning to fade like the end of your favorite song. It's only been about 15 minutes and the storm was the hardest I've seen, yet the shortest I've experienced here. I can't help but relive my past in my thoughts while I've been here on "standby". I've had so many of these quick storms, yet it hit so hard that it's going to take three or four times as long just to dry the water that was regurgitated by the gloomy sky. My life is still drying. And unfortunately I didn't make enough drains so I think I'm still overflowing with this mess. A lot of my valuables floated away along with it like my Integrity.

I think it's good enough outside to go out for my nightly run but this time it won't be under the stars. I started to change into my running clothes and I could tell I was eager to try my new running shoes but as I slipped into them, I slipped into another gray sky memory. Time stopped and I remembered when I put on my old running shoes while I stared at my ex-fiance playing with the kitties. I was stuck in a black and white memory and I somehow could not return back to my present day memory. I was looking at my overweight self and her. I overheard my black and white self think, "How did this loser get to be with a girl like that?" Then suddenly my memory became a replica of the movie "Click". Except for the lack of convenience to control my destination. It fast forward to the day I rushed her to the hospital in the middle of the night. I was in the back seat watching myself race through the streets of Lancaster over 100 mph. "COME ON!! GET THE HELL OUTTA MY WAY!!" was all I kept yelling at the speed abiding citizens of Antelope Valley. Fast forward again back to my office room at my house on Racquet Ln. I saw myself leaning against the wall as she began to lean towards me to be held. I saw her plant herself on my chest with my arms still on my sides. I saw my own face with no emotion. I was simply dead. Yet she was engaged in a war inside of herself. I could see the bloodshed coming from her heart. I could hear the screams and yet I still saw myself unaffected. Her tears began to trickle down her cheek and that's when my memory-self reacted. I saw my self cry without a cry. Deep inside I was violently trying to express what I felt, yet my body disobeyed my heart. I skipped to another chapter, and suddenly I was driving on the rain on the 14 freeway. On the phone I said, "I love you. I missed you so much! I can't wait to see you! I'm so sorry! I will never fail you!" And then I paused for a moment and said, "...of course...I'll never give up on you..." Again the thunder struck and I was relieved to see I'm back home. But apparently I'm outside now ready for my run. Hmm....I wish I can rewind to see how I got here...

T he gray became a very dark gray sky. I could tell the rain was not over. But I decided to run anyways. I started to make my way through the neighborhood when I saw a bright flash followed by a thunderous blast shake through my arm hairs. I've never felt nervous about thunder until this night. I was outside running while electricity split through the skies. It sure did get my adrenaline going since I never seemed to be short of breath like I usually am after a few strides. It's completely black now. I've been running for a good 20 minutes under the lightning, risking my life to drop a few pounds. Before I blinked again an extremely bright flash covered my eyes almost blinding me when time stopped again. I wasn't running around my neighborhood anymore. I was running through the halls of the old Highlands church with a crap load of doors like some freaky twilight movie. No not that stupid teeny bopper vampire trash. I stopped and opened a door and I saw myself sobbing my life away while people surrounded me staring. That's when Chris took the initiative to give me a man hug. This was the first time I broke out of my first shell. I closed the door smiling and opened the next one. Although this door was different from the first door because this one was covered with broken crosses. I dared to open it when I saw myself on the alter praying for kids to change. My eyes were black. I couldn't look any longer so I closed the door. I opened the next door that had a tux and besides that, a white dress. I took a peek and saw myself kneeling in a room filled with rose bouquets and rose pedals all over the floor. I held a white rose with a ring on top of it. She held her mouth with her hands as if to hold back the two life changing words. But with a tear she said, "I do." The door closed by itself on this one. I guess I was enjoying watching that one a bit too much.

I decided to skip the rest. I think I've had enough of this dream. I wanted to go back to running under the flashing electric bolts of death again but I was once again stuck. I reached the end of the hall with one last door at the end. This door had a valentines day card with a pedal-less rose held on the door by a knife that had the words, "God made me do it" engraved through the middle. The thorns were the brightest and most noticing aspect of this so called "Flower". My hands trembled as I opened this door. A gentle light glared off my eyes. It was a full moon and all I can hear was my breathing in sync with my heart beat. And I saw lightning strike through the full moon and turned black. At that moment I reached my arm out as if I saw my life fade away. I started running quickly when I realized I was sprinting my way back home in present time. I looked up and noticed between an opening in the clouds was a bright full moon fading slowly into the thick black gas formations. The rain started again since I felt the drizzle mixed with my sweat. This was the last stretch before I made it home and I was hoping the rain wouldn't come down yet. But of course with my luck, before I could even finish this thought, the rain began to fall. It wasn't long until the sweat and rain dripping from my hair was indistinct.

I am very aware that I'm growing. I am very aware that I'm alive. I've been thinking of my thinking a little too much lately, but my thinking has been becoming a more interesting thought. But now my only thought is the fear of getting pneumonia.

Street Fighter is Better

Entry 01 10:12pm

"Ken Masters!?" "Here." "Chun li!?" "Here!" "Josh Gomez!?" "..here.." I lifelessly responded half asleep while thinking about playing Street Fighter III. It's been an official week now and I'm starting to feel more in tune with my surroundings. "Ryu...uh..Ryu...um...Gee I'm sorry Ryu, I can't pronounce your last name..." "Don't worry about it...I'm right here..." The teacher seems to know his stuff. But I wonder if he ever played Street Fighter III. Everyone knows Ryu has no last name. Psh. What an idiot. But hey I don't blame him. I overheard him talk about his accomplishments earlier. Apparently he has 2 Doctorals and 5 Masters. That explains his lack of knowledge for one of the greatest fighting heroes in history. "Edmond Honda!? Is Edmond Honda here!?" Suddenly this big guy with a donut in his mouth comes running through the door while waving his hands in front of him as if he was trying to say hello while violently waxing his imaginary car to claim his rightful self. "HERE!!! RIGHT HERE!!!" Sometimes I wonder. How do schools attract these kinds of people? I mean, do they really make it? But then again. What If I don't make it. Here I am labeling everyone that walks in but what have I been labeled as to these locals? I'm the foreigner here. I don't say 'Ya'll' and I don't drink much sweet tea with lemon yet. I'm just the strangely, somewhat tanned, Californian with a weird accent. "Dhalsim Patel and DJ?? Are you two here?" "Here" "YA! RIGHT HERE YA!" Hmm...They shouldn't be sitting together.

2 hours in class and I can feel my head bobbing back and forth from lack of energy. Why does school make it so difficult to pay attention to a person with so much knowledge. I usually don't have this problem at conventions or sales presentations, but school??? "Ok break time! Please come back in 10 minutes to assign learning teams!" were the words the multiple doctoral bearing sensei used to wake my video game infested mind up. I walked outside and bumped into Dhalsim by accident. I swore I felt a Yoga Flame coming out of his mouth but instead a warm and welcoming, "Oh, you're Josh correct? Nice to meet you! I noticed by your shoes you're from out of state right?" This guy was either checking me out or studying psychology. "Yep. How'd you guess?" I said with a nervous chuckle. "Well most people don't wear vans around here. So I just figured. Hey, join me for a cigarette?" Here comes the Yoga Fire. "No thanks! I quit awhile ago." Whoa wait. Wait just a second. Freeze the frame please!!! Did I just say NO to a cigarette??? Maybe this change was good for me than. "Thanks anyways but hey, I'll see ya back in class!" And we waved goodbye as if never to speak again.

"Ok class! It's time to assign learning teams!" The sensei said with such extra electrifying enthusiam. This is the part where I regret saying no to a cigarette since I got nervous for the first time in a while. Well, more like the first day of high school. The Street Fighter hating teacher began to number the students 1-4. "One, Two, Three, Four, One, Two, Three..." And I got lucky number 3. Damn it. Looks like I'm teaming up with Dhalsim, Ken, and Honda over here. We warmly greeted each other and re-aqcuanted with Dhalsim. We talked about where we came from and to my surprise Ken was extremely fascinated with California. "WOW! Have you been to beverly hills??? I hear it's AMAZING!!!" I questioned my thin but solid knowledge of Street Fighter characters seeing that Ken may have at least visited once judging by his appearance and self inflated bubble around his head. Dhalsim apparently used telekinesis to communicate with his peers since he doesn't even own a computer at home and much less a 'text-friendly' phone. And Honda was still busy waving hi to us like a metronome on speed and crack. I have an eerie feeling about this class. But hey, the experience might be worth a whirlwind kick. I just wish I couldv'e joined Chun Li's team...

Roseheart Genesis

Entry 00 - 6:45am

The sound of an extremely annoying static from my alarm clock was provoking me to punch it's "clock" out this morning as I woke. I also realized that I have awaken to a long awaited dream. I've wished for hours on end for a new beginning. And finally....yes...FINALLY the day has come! I have a new life and it's time to rush to my new job. Everything was so surreal to me as I dressed. Laughing hysterically like a mad man, I pressed every ounce of energy upon one SINGLE breath of life. And facing the sun glistening window, I let out a big long breath of relief. Only one thought raced through my mind and it was that the past is behind me and the storm has ended.

I rode in the passenger seat to work eating my cup full of Cherrios. Yes...my mother is driving me to work. "Mom, please don't embarrass me in front of the vice president!" I told her. She laughed and smiled. "I'm glad you're home mijo." I usually can't stand too much time with my own Mother, yet this was one of those moments that I forgot existed. My once numb soul has began to beat a rythme of life again. But yet, the entire ride to work was rumbled by my past. Thoughts and memories raced through my mind filling my head with doubt and fear that the same thing may happen here. All the scars and wounds began to burn and throb inside of my chest like thorns were growing out from me. Endlessly covering my body with a thick and sharp outer coating keeping the new away from me. My skin was tearing apart to make room for this thorn infested creature I've managed to chain within. I could feel myself screaming inside of my mind and suddenly I controlled it. Something new had linked into my will.

This is a new season in my life. This is a new beginning. Who I am today never existed yesterday. I still have wounds...and fascinating enough, my body has built inside a new heart for me. It's not the same withered, dead, and dry handful of crap. It's created a heart much similar to that of a rose. I....AM....MADE...OF....THORNS...

8:25am....It's time to walk into the first day of work...

~End~